Living and Birding Gratitude: G'day Y’all. I’m Back.

Last Friday night I sang two songs on stage in part of an amateur community show here in the village. I am most comfortable on a stage. It is what I did thousands upon thousands of times over 50 years of performing. It was my profession. This was not a professional production and much was out of my control (sound, lights, staging). But it still went fine. I sang two of my songs that Lynn chose. She is more connected with this village than I am and I was grateful for her input. I performed because they asked me to. I do not fit in as a part of a non-professional conglomeration of amateurs, but I did it anyway.

I must do some shows.

I have let my creative self, especially performing, get packed into a box and stored away. My tendency to minimise what I do has taken its toll on who I am. Insecurity is the core belief of the best performers and it makes us easy to put down. Unless very financially successful, creative people are minimised by the world at large. “Is this what you do, or do you have a real job?” Is a question we are asked. I have heard those exact words, “real job” all my life. Creating is the most real job that there can be. If I work I can get paid. If I don’t, I don’t. That is as real as it gets. I’ve never had “vacation days,” or “sick days.” The very idea amazes me, but I’ve never done that, nor do I ever want to (I mean unless someone wanted to give me some of those somehow… I mean I wouldn’t turn down getting paid for being on holiday).

I create. I make shit up and if enough people like it, somehow I get paid something for it and I can live. For many people (most people?) it is a crazy existence. They can’t really imagine it. I can’t imagine otherwise. But as I said, for a while now, I have packed me away. I have dealt with anxiety and depression all of my life, but (and this is a very substantial “but”) the last several years most of my depression has been situational. I have put “me” in a box, sealed it and packed it away in storage. Well, I opened it last night and looked in and I liked, no, I loved, who I saw. I will work hard toward keeping him out and I do mean to work at it. It is a mind-set as well as pure work, i.e. rehearsing and practicing and sorting my equipment. It is all fun and games until I am actually going to do it, and I am going to do it.

Here is merely a first trial run by me at a poster design. The posters will be done by professionals (with my input of course).

These cannot just be words; they must become actions and ‘steps’ toward doing some shows, working on songs (and even setting up a place to draw and work on my art). I will continue to contribute to my Facebook groups and I will be birding and writing. Those things will be as important as ever, but “R. Bruce” the performer, the artist, the "star" is out of that damn box and will not to be packed away again. I just had to force myself to write that word “star,” literally force myself, but it is so important to these thoughts because that is what one becomes on a stage. Whether performing to ten people or a thousand. I know this. I have done it and I’m going to do it again. And it will be a Reunion Tour. The R. Bruce Reunion Tour with all the original member.

I need to find this guy again, a bit older and greyer, but he is still there...