Living and Birding Gratitude: Thoughts on Fear

Fear. I was afraid as a child. Children are often afraid, but I was disproportionately so. I found out many years later that I was dosed with valium on Halloween because the masks scared me so badly. Yes, I have dealt with anxiety my entire life, from cradle to whatever this is now. I had a full-on, beyond-horrific, panic attack on the way to school when I was 17. It literally changed my life for the next 20 years. I did not even know it was a panic attack, in 1970 it was called “nerves.” I did not learn the word “anxiety” until I was well in my twenties.

On holiday in Canada with my family of origin. My brother was 9 years older. I was a "surprise."

I had, and still have, an amazing imagination. That is only a gift when you are creating, in day to day life, not so much. I can vividly imagine a lot of things, so worrying can be a real disaster for me. I have gotten much better about that, but the anxiety itself remains.

I fear fear more than anything else. I think the fear of fear is a good definition of what anxiety is for me personally. Yes, above all things, I loathe being afraid. I would much rather be angry, or sad, or in physical pain, or anything. I do not even fear dying. I’ve seen it and I have sat with it. I was with my brother as he breathed for the last time. It was peaceful and I was playing guitar. Death is only hard on those left behind. However, I do fear fearing death. That is not a contradiction. They are separate things in my head.

To me, fear is the ultimate monster and I never, ever want anyone to be afraid. I certainly would not call myself any sort of an empath, but I do connect to other people’s fear. It touches me deeply and it makes me feel sick. I cry very easily. I do not consider tears a weakness. I honestly think the inability to cry is a weakness. But I consider my very frequent tears an indicator of my level of depression. In 2020 I have cried more than I am comfortable with crying. I am tired of the sad.

My uncle (who became my father figure) lived with us for the last six years of his life. Toward the end we learned that his heart was failing. It took a period of months and he was able to stay at our house, in his own comfortable room, through to the end. Earlier in his decline, I stated that whatever happened, I never wanted him to feel afraid. To the best of my knowledge, he never was. I accompanied him to his assorted appointments and stayed with him in situations that might be stressful or confusing.

In these turbulent times, I have come to fully understand my white privilege. I now know that there are millions of people who have to be afraid in situations only because they are black, or gay, or Asian, or trans, or follow a “different” religion. This goes against my very core. It is wrong. I cannot truly know what it is like to be them, but I can support them. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I do not want you to have to be afraid.

This is a transformative time. From the orange monster attacking all that is decent in my country of origin, to seeing a man murdered, I will never be exactly the same again. I reckon that change is a good thing. I have been through a lot of significant transformations in my (almost) 67 years. Some of them were joyous, some were sad, some were difficult, some were intentional, some were not, and some required a whole lot of effort. I am not yet finished, and I will remain in transformation for the rest of my days. Presently, I am trying to come to grips with ageing. That presents its own massive set of changes, complexities and yes, a lot of fear regarding a lot of things.

Me now (in January of this year)... ageing ain't easy, but I can do whatever needs to be done.

I believe that we are living in a time of global human metamorphosis. I hope that we will continue this transformation. I do not reckon our species should survive if we don’t. What, and who, we have been is not sustainable. Here are some photos from my travels as an older guy.

One of William Betts photos of me swimming with a Whale Shark, December 2019 off Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean. Overcoming anxiety is worth it.